Forever Seventeen
by arctic-priince
Summary: Karofsky kills himself and Kurt is conflicted.


Kurt spends a lot of his time at Dalton just thinking. Thinking about how suffocated he feels here, and how he doesn't fit in. About Blaine and how he's not as perfect as Kurt had originally thought. About that stupid bird and how it would look great as a pin on his fabulous new hat. Kurt also spends a lot of time wishing. Wishing that he'll acclimate soon. That he'll fit in with the Warblers. That Blaine will fall in love with him(Because he still wants the boy, flaws and all). But most of all he wishes that something will change so he can go back home. After weeks of this and no change Kurt's wishes turn to prayers. Not too God, not really, just to anyone who might be listening. For someone to help him, _please_, because the loneliness is almost as bad as the abuse and Kurt doesn't know how much more he can take. Blaine is still there for him, but only a little an it's obvious that he's not, and never will be, Blaine's first priority. So he screams, cries and begs for something to change. And, for once in Kurt's life, _it does_.

Kurt gets the news in a frantic call from Finn. It barely sinks in and he stands in the hallway just holding his phone and breathing as a ton of emotions start fighting for dominance. Disbelief, sadness, anger and more than anything; _relief_, quickly followed by a wave of guilt. Karofsky's dead. Gone. Just a simple gunshot to the head with his mother's old rifle and Kurt's biggest bully is gone forever. They'd found him lying in his room, a wedding-cake topper clutched firmly in his right hand. Kurt doesn't know what to think. Not about Karfosky, or the cake topper or anything and suddenly he's freaking out. His breathing coming in desperate shallow breaths as he struggles to get enough oxygen into his lungs. The room is spinning and he doesn't know exactly what happens, but suddenly Blaine is there, warm arms surrounding him and keeping him from falling. He expects Blaine to say something, but he doesn't and Kurt is grateful. Instead he guides Kurt through the halls until they're standing in front of a glass door that says "PhD. Arthur White" in engraved letters.

"He's the school counselor. He's here for a reason, Kurt. I know you don't want to talk to me, but please talk to him…?" Kurt wants to protest, if only because that's what people always do in movies, but Kurt really does want to talk, so he enters the office after one last look at Blaine. As he enters the room he is greeted by a man in his late thirties, looking up at him with surprise. Kurt just stands there for a moment, awkward, before the man introduces himself and gestures to the chair opposite him.

"You're… Kurt Hummel? Am I right?" Kurt just nods, not having anything to add.

"You look upset, Kurt. Did something happen?" The man looks genuinely worried and Kurt finds that he really might be able to talk to this man. Not about everything. He's not ready to talk about the wish he made and he's not sure if he ever will be, but some of the other things…

"I-Someone died. " The therapist, Arthur, Kurt corrects in his head sits up. He looks like he's about to say something, but Kurt needs to get this out while he still has the guts so he quickly continues.

"Someone died. A guy. He killed himself and I-I'm… I'm relieved. Happy. Hearing that someone killed themselves made me _happy_. He really hurt me before. He'd show me around and call me names. A-and he'd even be, like, sexual with me even though I didn't like him. He forced a kiss on me and then threatened to kill me. I hate him-_hated_ him. But he was just a kid and he didn't deserve to this, and I swear I really didn't want him to die! So why am I happy? I just…" Kurt doesn't know when he started crying, but he can feel the tears rolling down his cheeks and blurring his vision. Arthur looks at him for a few seconds, before answering.

"You don't look very happy to me, Kurt." Kurt wipes his eyes, fixing his attention on the older man.

"Look, Kurt, listen to me. You don't have anything to be ashamed of, okay? Your feelings are yours and no one has the right to tell you they're wrong. There's not one correct way to deal with a situation like this. This person abused you. The fact that you're relieved that such a huge threat to your safety is gone doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you human."

Kurt wishes he could believe him. That he could walk out of there and not feel the least bit bad that a former classmate will never turn eighteen and not feel guilty about the lack off sadness. He knows rationally that Arthur is correct and that he has every reason to be relieved and yet it doesn't seem to really sink in. He also knows that there's no way that Karofksy's suicide happened because he wished for it and that it had probably been a long way coming. It doesn't make him feel any better. The thoughts remain with him throughout the day, until he's getting ready for bed in a plain room at the Dalton Academy dorms.

That night Kurt dreams of monsters waiting for him behind open lockers and of hard grips and unwanted kisses. He dreams of football jackets and sad eyes and a bloody cake topper.  
He dreams about Dave Karofsky: violent, sad and tragic and forever seventeen.


End file.
